Wednesday, May 22, 2013

We're here. We're getting married. Mind your own business.

Recently,  the New York senate has passed a bill to legalize gay marriage, making it just the sixth state to do so. Now the work really begins. I don't mean all the wedding planners being inundated with calls for a glittery Pegasus to ride down the beach of Fire Island or how to schedule a rainbow for the big day. I'm also not talking about the further work to be done bringing the same change to other states. I mean the road to change I must embark upon so that when I wed I can wear the most fantastic gown possible.

Okay, I'm not really going to wear a gown, but don't dare me because if I could at all find a way to get away with it I would. Something tasteful, of course. A little less Princess Di and a little more Kate Middleton. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that everyone wants to look their best on the BIG DAY. And right now for me, the term 'fashion victim' is referring to my body's attack on my innocent clothing.

My boyfriend and I have been engaged indefinitely for several years now. With the economy taking a nosedive and finding work in a new city, having a commitment ceremony has been put on the back burner. But times they are a changin', and I need to get a jump on preparing for our nuptials. All of this is assuming he still wants to marry me after all this time, which should be cleared up soon after he reads this. (XO). Which revisits me wanting to get in better shape while I still have enough time. Even Kim Kardashian tweeted about  starting to take Quick Slim  to lose a few pounds for her wedding. My plan is a bit more radical. I plan on using a weight loss secret that hasn't made its way to the Hollywood doctors yet. If applied correctly, this little two-part trick has a 100% success rate.  This is an age-old method that sadly began to be forgotten when supplements and shortcuts galore popped onto the scene. First, you eat right.  Second, you exercise. Whew, there I said it, it's out. Two irrational foreign concepts that come together to create a natural miracle.

While we are on the subject of Kim, I've heard reports that from 1-10 million was spent on this wedding. This wouldn't bother me if it was someone who did good things with their money in helping others, which is usually a trait in the celebrities who are celebrities for an actual reason. This has also begun to bother me more as we have increasingly become a people who treat marriage as a disposable relationship. But in a general way, I'm of the opinion that if you can afford it, go for it. In an interview, Kim's wedding planner said "things will happen that have never happened before." This could mean anything, really. It could mean a tasteful, peaceful ceremony with no family drama or momzilla treating it as her show when everyone knows that minus her family she's nothing but manifested desperation. It could mean a wedding on the space station for all we know, or under a diamond waterfall. But I'm imagining this as something like a mix between cirque de soleil and bareback circus 7. Gypsy wedding clowns, a circumcision tent, a dress with cutout buttocks, the traditional live wedding reception marriage consummation. As if that wasn't enough, sisterpet Khlosquatch may have debuted the soon to be hit single she wrote for the occasion, "Gargle Splech Gurgle Food Me, Bitch." Guess we'll find out when it airs.

I don't need so much of the pomp and circumstance, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a little. The good thing about having time to plan a simple ceremony is in being able to make a nonexistent budget work. Many things are up in the air, like whether to wait for this change to come to Georgia, visiting one of the six states it's now legal in, or moving to one of those states. The closest we have to a location is the possibility of marrying on a beach, but I for one am open to endless possibilities. A spring garden, high-rise rooftop patio against a city nightscape, skydiving, or even something corny like  Niagara Falls or Vegas. Regardless of the location, we will plan the perfect event to share with our friends, and via blog the world, with a beautiful declaration of our undying, and heretofore forbidden, union.

Naturally, there is so much more to consider than just location. Once again we come to appearance. The easy route would be to find some tasteful fancy robes to wear, or just a nice masculine dress. Something gauzy. But I'm not going to put as much effort as I plan on investing only to take the easy route when it comes to what I wear. However, this will have to be decided when we get closer to the day so I can find something I feel is flattering without feeling like a cased sausage. Hopefully I will be able to regularly report on my successes in this area.

There is another factor that will impact attire, the BIG question. To theme or not to theme. A beach theme is simple if it actually takes place on a beach. But with the gays getting married I can only imagine what type of Lady Gaga inspired tinsel and turd-fest guests have in store for them. And I'm sure you will see some variation of a princess theme where even the double rainbow man would have a heart attack. 

I love my partner more than anything ever in my life. As we grow together and our relationship goes through the endless adjustments over time every couple experiences our plans to wed will probably do the same. The one thing that remains constant is the wish to simply be allowed the same rights as a straight couple has. The right to choose our own partner in life and the ability to call it a real relationship. In a time where less and less have any form of respect for a committed relationship we should be celebrating the fact that there are people who desire nothing more than to live a happy normal family life that's of no concern to people who are trying to preserve the sanctity of marriage that as a society was lost long ago. The only thing stronger than my desire to have a lifelong relationship like my parents had is in wanting to go through it with my partner, Scott. And nobody has the right to take that away from me. What are you afraid of, that we will succeed where your straight relationships have failed?

Coming Soon... More on Doctor Who and some Guilty Pleasures.

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