The Weddinging, Day Four: Everything Falls Apart, or, I'll kill anyone you want for that cigarette

This is hard. I'm not gonna lie, I've had five cigarettes today. Better than 30. I am a complete bundle of nerves, on edge, anxious, dying to pull my hair out, I keep reaching for nothing. Oh, the disappointment when it isn't there. A little tear came out just then. Withdrawal suuuucks. I'd even stab you if you were next to me smoking. You know what, I'm not even thinking straight so let me get to it.

At this moment our location is fluid, the reception location is a different but similar fluid, and the time of the service is pending the drying up of the location pools. This is good. This is fun. It has to be.

We were going to have the service outside of Atlanta in the woods of the north Georgia mountains. After careful thought about our date, it's distance from us, we decided to look closer to home. Our current plan is to marry at the gazebo in Piedmont park with a small reception afterwards by our apartment pool or at my niece's. Personally, I like the idea of my niece's because of the decorating potential.

I'm not giving away what we have in mind for the procession in the park, but we will be able to adapt what I wanted for the woods. Wait, Scott has to ask his co worker to participate. So many hinges right now. Still many questions to be asked. It could all still fall apart. Why do I feel like my bones are chewing their way out of my arms? I'm usually more coherent.

We do have a wedding budget. I'll only tell you what it is if the pictures come out nice. That will help facilitate planning but oh man there's the licence, flowers, invitations, alcohol, our clothes, food, rings, decorations, alcohol, favors, napkins, cake, oh god I could continue. Wait, guess what? I haven't even mentioned the honeymoon. Oh, I know I'm not breaking any news. Maybe one day little gay children can hope to have their parents throw them a wedding. I've had to reign it in and I've just started planning.

This much is happening. We are going to get married on Halloween. Saturday, October, 31, 2015. To be followed by an intimate autumnal reception with canapes, cocktails and orange and grape jello shots. (dont judge) Then we'll be whisked away by ourselves to honeymoon in New Orleans. I'm sure you heard of it. Four months and we still have to decide on one or two cakes, shoes, oh shiiiit I have to get my licence renewed, I need permissions and it's getting late. Oh man, is that cigarette in the ashtray only half smoked?

Behold: The Wedding Book

So, about a week ago we were in Sam Flax getting some art supplies and I kept coming back to this white Moleskin notebook. For some reason I had to have it. When the ruling was handed down and we almost immediately began planning to wed I knew why I had gotten it. You see, I believe in stuff and whatnot.

I got up to a mixed bag. It was earlier than I wanted to get up and I felt awful when I remembered I have a shrink appointment. Miracle of miracles I did get up in time and that's where I am now. 

But I got great news about our desired officiant. A very dear old friend is going to perform the ceremony so I am relieved and happy. I think we've settled on invitations but I'll leave that for when I'm home and I talk about what all has been decided so far. 

Oh, have I mentioned yet that I quit smoking cigarettes yesterday? This dog and pony show ain't paying for itself. Oh yeah. This'll be a breeze. Nothing ahead but smooth sailing.  

Diary of a Gay Wedding Begins

     Two years ago, I blogged here about gay marriage and some of the things I wanted to do to prepare for the eventuality of it becoming legal in the United States. Seven years ago my partner proposed to me and I accepted, but it felt like someone pressed the pause button on that portion of our love and we continued on while it remained frozen. Without a definite date, there was no planning for me to do.

     Two days ago the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage is to be recognized in all of America. Suddenly, as if I could see a change, our engagement became real, complete with a ticking clock. Everything was different because finally the pessimist in me was quieted and I realized I could actually get married.

     So this is where I will come every day, to share the details of planning a gay wedding on a shoestring budget and the support of some wonderful friends. The ideas are coming and I think we have something special in the works. I will share the ups and downs of changing our minds or something not working out. Three days and I already have one hurdle.

     Tomorrow I'll let you in on the plans so far. My head is so tired it's going into shut down mode. Is groomzilla a thing? Honestly there are times when I'm trying to focus on several things at once. But I am loving every minute of it. Growing up, I saw my brothers weddings come and go, with no hope of having it for myself. Then the other round of weddings for my brothers eventually came. Then a couple more.

     Anyway, my point is not that three people got married eight times before I was able to marry once, it was that I always wanted to plan my own wedding, but never dared to dream so loftily. This is all new territory for me and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and surreal from getting a handle on the idea that this wedding I'm planning is mine. Ours. It's totally for Scott and me. Ours. But for that little girl still in me, it's mine.