UGH! I guess I'll write a post (A love letter)

There really hasn't been much to write about right now. Scott got a new job a few weeks ago, but we haven't even been able to begin to start the catch up game yet. But let's leave that for now. First let's talk about the bunghole restaurant Scott is trying his best to tolerate until the other one reopens.

I had hoped they would have improved from the original time he applied there a few years ago. The manager who interviewed him that time hit on him. Nice and professional, right? Well, he escaped the recent interview unscathed, only to dive under the surface, discovering the turds in the pool. They're such mean fags (it's allowed if you're one) who couldn't run a Fisher Price kitchen. They keep scheduling Scott clopens (where you close the restaurant and have to open it the next morning) not taking into account the minimum 90 minute bus ride he has each way. They're filthy, too. Oh, and P.S. Opening a can and throwing in some salt and pepper does not make it "homemade".

Okay, back to the catch up. The money is not as good, so catching up is so much more difficult. I don't pray, but I would gladly offer my services to the old job if it would help them to open up sooner.

Living without a phone is difficult for me and my paranoia. All those important calls I'm missing. You know, like ones from my doctor saying they "found something", or family, or the committee from the sweepstakes I don't remember entering but probably did because I can't be reached right now. Plus the daily hanging on tenterhooks because I not only haven't been able to communicate with the fiancee all day, so who knows what tragedy has befallen him, but also the unexpected shock when I hear someone at the door and I have no idea if it's him or the killer.

I have retreated into some form of emotional bubble where I sit without enjoyment and peek through the blinds to try and catch the next monster coming to take a shit on our little world. And this is where we will have a paradigm shift to the post.

Being on my own until I was 37, I knew nothing more than internally processing my depression, fears, worries and problems alone. There really hasn't been much progress made on the matter, which is my fault, but reeaallyy old habits die freaking hard. You have to stab them continually for years before you make even a dent in the skin of that demon. This must change because it isn't fair to Scott. The gears in my head have mismatched teeth, so way too often I simply forget that I'm not going through this alone, and I'm sorry.

I am not alone. Scott is not alone. We are together in all things us. I am so proud of him for not karate chopping the manager's balls off by now. He is probably the most responsible person I've ever dated, which makes a nice balance. I love him more than anything I've ever known in my life. After 8 years, not a day goes by when we don't vocalize our love dozens of times. Nothing will ever happen to us to destroy that love in me.

Things will eventually get back to normal, as long as I press myself to make sure Himself knows that I am by his side the entire way. This is all stuffing. Sometimes the couch sinks into lumps and you have to unzip the cushions and replace the innards with newer, firmer stuff. So get out of our fucking couch, Roxx, so we can get back to what's important, namely planning the rest of our lives together.

This part is for Scott.
Since we can't text right now, here are my texts and replies from today....
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you.
What time is it? Ok, more.
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

Tip your server!

Words

Let me just take this time to get everyone updated as to what has been happening the past six months or so.Most recently I have been enjoying the killer new season of Doctor Who. The rest of TV has begun to air as well, but for some reason more than ever it just isn't stirring anything in me. This is more than likely an offshoot of changes I felt after our cats died. Certain things have just become less than important. Doctor Who is not one of those things, thankfully.

After we decided to postpone the wedding, I put it out of my mind for a while. Both Scott and I then fell back into the time/money vacuum known as Second Life. It was different this time. Mostly we played together, renting some land together and breeding some cute simulated pets. It was nice, except for the amount of money we pumped into it.

I made a decision to spend less time on and get back to my writing. Coincidentally, there was a fire at Scott's restaurant, plunging us into a frenzy. We sold a couple of things on Craigslist. Funny enough, they were two things we bought at the same time, my Bose headphones and Scott's laptop. So Scott's old tower that I had been using went back to him and I went back to my old tower, which had died at some point after it's last use. Now I am on my reeeaaalllyyy old laptop. It did take Windows 10 but is still a bit sluggish. Definitely no gaming.

Nevertheless I have been successful at completing a few new stories in this time, and am deciding how to proceed, be it submitting something to a contest or trying to have something published. I am but one story away from having a book length collection of stories about my creation, The Witch of Nothing.

Scott and I successfully emerged out of the year of the itch. The only other thing I have done successfully for eight years is to age. Right after our anniversary, Scott got a new job. It's going well, but he will have a decision to make because the old restaurant will be wanting him back after they finish rebuilding the kitchen.

It was at this point I got the idea to reset the date. Subconsciously I had the idea of doing it by the time of our original wedding, so I just made it in time. With a new job, the prospect of the return of a job, and a year to plan (with a sweet head start) the time just felt right. There was no way I was just going to let the idea fade away.

Some people say, "Oh, a piece of paper doesn't change anything," but they're wrong. The piece of paper represents and idea, a concept, which are both very powerful forces. You may not see any physical evidence of change, but the intangible feelings that come with it are unmistakably powerful. Scott and I won't be "more together" after we get married, but we will be able to, with a word, express to others how deep our love is for each other, for why would we want to keep that to ourselves? For now, I'm happy we are able have such a word again. Fiancee.

Not to mention Long Awaited

Halloween

Suspended In Time

I know there has been a bit of a delay, but there has also been a lot to do. My jury duty date came and went, I was excused before I even had to go, so no juicy murder case for me. Tomorrow is my eye appointment to get new glasses, so I have to get to bed early tonight. We've been online gaming a lot, so lots of late mornings. We also lost three of our four goldfish. The fourth is in the ten gallon quarantine tank until I can thoroughly clean the big aquarium. Poor lonely feller.

But before I could update you, I had to contact some people first, like the owner of Phoenix & Dragon and also our officiant, Nan. Now that that is done I can let you know that we are having to postpone the wedding. Simply put we didn't give ourselves enough time. I don't know about my affluent readers, but on our budget, four months was not enough. The point is that we are moving it, not forgetting it. Plus we have a great head start.

We haven't really discussed a new date yet, what with the series of deaths that hit us, but I thought that January 23rd sounded nice because it would be 1.23 which would be easy to remember. That's an additional five months, so maybe. I have no problem having a Spring wedding, except it seems to me that would be a very busy time. Candace Apple, love that name, the owner of Phoenix & Dragon, is very amenable to our moving the date. Our honeymoon reservations are also changeable.

Once we have the date I'll announce it and the ball will start rolling again. I am already more confidant this time because of all the planning that's been completed. Almost eight years together and our love is still strong, so this is not a bad thing. It's just the biggest change yet, and kind of scary, which is why I've been afraid to share.

Who knows? This might be just what we need to add a few bells and whistles. Oooh, Spring could mean short sleeves and we can show off our tattoos!

The Weddinging, Day Four: Everything Falls Apart, or, I'll kill anyone you want for that cigarette

This is hard. I'm not gonna lie, I've had five cigarettes today. Better than 30. I am a complete bundle of nerves, on edge, anxious, dying to pull my hair out, I keep reaching for nothing. Oh, the disappointment when it isn't there. A little tear came out just then. Withdrawal suuuucks. I'd even stab you if you were next to me smoking. You know what, I'm not even thinking straight so let me get to it.

At this moment our location is fluid, the reception location is a different but similar fluid, and the time of the service is pending the drying up of the location pools. This is good. This is fun. It has to be.

We were going to have the service outside of Atlanta in the woods of the north Georgia mountains. After careful thought about our date, it's distance from us, we decided to look closer to home. Our current plan is to marry at the gazebo in Piedmont park with a small reception afterwards by our apartment pool or at my niece's. Personally, I like the idea of my niece's because of the decorating potential.

I'm not giving away what we have in mind for the procession in the park, but we will be able to adapt what I wanted for the woods. Wait, Scott has to ask his co worker to participate. So many hinges right now. Still many questions to be asked. It could all still fall apart. Why do I feel like my bones are chewing their way out of my arms? I'm usually more coherent.

We do have a wedding budget. I'll only tell you what it is if the pictures come out nice. That will help facilitate planning but oh man there's the licence, flowers, invitations, alcohol, our clothes, food, rings, decorations, alcohol, favors, napkins, cake, oh god I could continue. Wait, guess what? I haven't even mentioned the honeymoon. Oh, I know I'm not breaking any news. Maybe one day little gay children can hope to have their parents throw them a wedding. I've had to reign it in and I've just started planning.

This much is happening. We are going to get married on Halloween. Saturday, October, 31, 2015. To be followed by an intimate autumnal reception with canapes, cocktails and orange and grape jello shots. (dont judge) Then we'll be whisked away by ourselves to honeymoon in New Orleans. I'm sure you heard of it. Four months and we still have to decide on one or two cakes, shoes, oh shiiiit I have to get my licence renewed, I need permissions and it's getting late. Oh man, is that cigarette in the ashtray only half smoked?

Behold: The Wedding Book

So, about a week ago we were in Sam Flax getting some art supplies and I kept coming back to this white Moleskin notebook. For some reason I had to have it. When the ruling was handed down and we almost immediately began planning to wed I knew why I had gotten it. You see, I believe in stuff and whatnot.

I got up to a mixed bag. It was earlier than I wanted to get up and I felt awful when I remembered I have a shrink appointment. Miracle of miracles I did get up in time and that's where I am now. 

But I got great news about our desired officiant. A very dear old friend is going to perform the ceremony so I am relieved and happy. I think we've settled on invitations but I'll leave that for when I'm home and I talk about what all has been decided so far. 

Oh, have I mentioned yet that I quit smoking cigarettes yesterday? This dog and pony show ain't paying for itself. Oh yeah. This'll be a breeze. Nothing ahead but smooth sailing.  

Diary of a Gay Wedding Begins

     Two years ago, I blogged here about gay marriage and some of the things I wanted to do to prepare for the eventuality of it becoming legal in the United States. Seven years ago my partner proposed to me and I accepted, but it felt like someone pressed the pause button on that portion of our love and we continued on while it remained frozen. Without a definite date, there was no planning for me to do.

     Two days ago the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage is to be recognized in all of America. Suddenly, as if I could see a change, our engagement became real, complete with a ticking clock. Everything was different because finally the pessimist in me was quieted and I realized I could actually get married.

     So this is where I will come every day, to share the details of planning a gay wedding on a shoestring budget and the support of some wonderful friends. The ideas are coming and I think we have something special in the works. I will share the ups and downs of changing our minds or something not working out. Three days and I already have one hurdle.

     Tomorrow I'll let you in on the plans so far. My head is so tired it's going into shut down mode. Is groomzilla a thing? Honestly there are times when I'm trying to focus on several things at once. But I am loving every minute of it. Growing up, I saw my brothers weddings come and go, with no hope of having it for myself. Then the other round of weddings for my brothers eventually came. Then a couple more.

     Anyway, my point is not that three people got married eight times before I was able to marry once, it was that I always wanted to plan my own wedding, but never dared to dream so loftily. This is all new territory for me and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and surreal from getting a handle on the idea that this wedding I'm planning is mine. Ours. It's totally for Scott and me. Ours. But for that little girl still in me, it's mine.

Gay Prude

  The other night I was watching the news when Chelsea Handler said that President Obama has designated June as Gay Pride Month or something. That's all well and good, but I really hope it's put to good use. Like bringing awareness to the topics of whether being gay is a choice, gay marriage, and bullying/violence towards those who are gay. Instead, I fear it will turn into a big excuse to flounce around screaming "You must accept me!" Some people will never like gay people because of the militant attitude so many have in regards to expressing their sexuality. As if acceptance of its existence means a person must also agree with and like it.

    Both my boyfriend and I are gay men, but being gay doesn't define us. I feel no need to share my sexual preferences with a complete stranger, and have equally little interest in learning about theirs. But sexuality has saturated our society, and hardly anywhere else more so than in the gay community. I have never cared for the company of gay men because every conversation contained either sexual undertones or overt overtones. Don't even get me started on superficiality. The type of car you drive, shopping at the store "everyone else shops at," what you pay for a haircut, drinking whatever cocktail is fashionable at the moment, all of these things have wormed their way many gay men's brains as something of extreme importance. Many in the gay community are still stuck on the idea that they must have important friends or shiny baubles in order to really be considered someone. But in reality, it's like these guys wearing their pants ridiculously styled below their asses. Their desire to express their individuality remains unmanifest because of the fact that they are behaving the way and doing the things everyone else is doing.

    Thankfully with age comes some wisdom, even for us former club kids. At a certain point we've realised that instead of parading the city with topless saggy-tittied lesbians and tweaking twinks in nothing but glittery feathers and chaps, we are happier showing pride by actually living the normal life we ask of society. Many straight people already think we do nothing but have ecstasy parties and seduce their young sons, and for many they're not far off the mark. Unfortunately drugs played their part in my life, but like I said, with age comes wisdom. So going out to the club five times a week becomes five times a year, and some think you weird for it. Or they find it odd that you watch the news, care nothing about who made the shirt you're wearing, or use the computer for something besides porn and hookups.

    Atlanta holds the gay pride festival  in the fall. I don't usually go, but I may this year. I don't usually go because I can't stand the heat or the crowds. With one of those elements removed I just might be able to tolerate it. I know there will be a fair amount of people there showing their pride in various ways, being seductive, at times down right illegal. But I know there will also be people there who are simply proud to be able to gather in public with their loved one without fear of being judged for their choices. People who are proud of who they are as a whole, not just for being gay. Proud of  even just being able to express the fact that we are gay. Instead of the current motto, "We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!" I would like to suggest something less abrasive. Something like, "We're gay. So what?" Adopt the attitude that we are as normal as everyone else, not try to express how unlike everyone we can be.

    I'm proud of myself in a basic sort of way. I've made some bad choices, but who hasn't? I haven't killed anyone and I'm not a pedophile, so I'm doing pretty well there. But I will say this, after having been gay my entire life, and having been to the bars, then the clubs, attended social groups, been on committees, one thing I've never really felt is a pride in being gay. It's not about being a prude, which I'm certainly not, but I just think the community has a long way to go in accepting who we are as human beings, and also in accepting the differences among ourselves. Going even further, in accepting the straight community for who they are, while lobbying for changing laws that suppress equality.

    Well, now I've gotten the whole "I'm gay" thing out of the way, and believe me it's not something I'll drone on about. Yes, I have a partner of three and a half years, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Yes, my past is rich with partying and much gayness, but I'm 41 now and my life is so much richer than ever before. As I mentioned, I have been gay my entire life, but I am so much more, and I much prefer to be judged in the same manner I judge those I encounter in my life... by the shoes I wear.

Coming Soon... Alcoholics Anonymous, Shmalcoholics Anonymous!

UPDATE: I did attend the Atlanta Pride parade. It was nice, not hot, and not super crowded. It was a nice day with my boyfriend and our friend Z.